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I worry, "what if people don't believe my posts are authentic?". --- alright hold on, I went on a meaningless rant about trying to prove how I don't just write to dramatize my points and life, but what's the point in doing that? rn I'm fighting with myself, worrying about people judging me as a larper or something liek that. a hypocrit. the truth is simple: I mentioned I dropped out. it's true. all day I'm home. I go out at almost exactly 11pm to buy a decent amount of snacks that I usually consume within that same evening. during the entire day I bounce between different projects trying to finish any one of them to make myself feel like I've achieved something. I don't go out, especially not now, because I don't want to have to fight with the sun again.

idk wtf I'm doing with my life rn. I can't deny there are so many beautiful moments, but it feels like I'm actively trying to fabricate them into being so I feel. and so I can feel that "it could be much worse" and have a reason to be grateful. I've been contemplating publishing some snippets of my ACTUAL PROFESSIONAL WRITINGS here. if you're curious enough to know: a couple months ago I began working on a book for Bothunter. Fastflow is a ULTRAKILL X HOLLOW KNIGHT pixelart game I thought of back in 2022-2023 when I was a big fan of both games. Bothunter is the proto of that story. this book is about that... it's dark-scifi about an unfeeling robot mechanically starting to understand brain processes it was surpressing until recently, because of factory-forced-protocol. this is allowed to transpire, because the ultimate goal of the bot is to save Earth from a catastrophic development that would turn the sun against us (ironic, considering what I recently went through), so it must reach its end-goal at any cost. developping and giving itself a bit more freedom is a "cost he has to bare". obviously the book would focus on the uncanny and weird things an untrained brain with finally unlimited power would do. visual hallucinations and thoughts that do not match with factory-set desired-processing paths, etc. (why am I trying to pitch my book to absolutely no one in a random post about doubting my online diary?). I stopped working on it in January, when I uploaded my first tracks to Spotify using my back-then 'Pthafiles' alias. I reached a decent 40-52 monthly viewers within the first few weeks and now we're sitting at 0. dope. I tried distancing myself from that project, and slowly began giving my seat over to someone I'm basically co-managing that with, but it's mostly them, because they're still passionate about music. cuz I got a not-so-useful advice from Bossfight on a demo showcase stream and it crushed me. so I went onto a new direction, one I had back in 2024 as well: minecraft mods. so I'm trying to make mods now and eventually start development on my own games. I should continue writing that book again too. I had like 3-5 chapters made, but they were scattered. only 2.5 followed each other, the rest were just snippets.

btw, I've been to see the doctor with the hospital papers... they just told me to hydrate and take care of myself. they also said it could've also been a viral infection as the symptoms were essentially the sme. they didn't even listen to me or ask what happened, because there's no way it could've been that when all other doctors at the hospital and urgency were convinced I had a heatstroke and very clearly stated to me. if I was having a viral infection, I'm pretty sure the IV hydration wouldn't have been necessary anyway... and if this little misinformation wasn't annoying already, I mentioned my light-headedness and lack of balance occassionally and it all flew past their ear. they didn't listen. I realized as soon as I become healthy again, everything went back to normal. this is the normal. being dismissed by family, doctors, teachers... everything. this is all that I've been getting here in the West. why did I expect anything else? I felt so unsure of myself when they overlooked my problems, that I completely crossed "doing an EEG" off the list... even though my lack of balance is real and I've had it for months, even though I hydrate very regularly at home, I only don't get to when I'm outside which, as I said, is rare. I did manage to get a potential-appointment for my nasal polyps, which I seem to have according to playwright. and this medical visit was right before my botched IV showed itself, so I didn't get to ask about that, as it wasn't a concern to me yet.

all of this text on my website/blog used to be managable and fun to read back on... now it feels like a composition-dump that nobody'll take seriously, just because of its sheer volume. I'm sorry... my intention was only to express myself and the need for it just keeps arriving over and over again. goodbye for now :hug:

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