before I begin anything in this post, firstly I should provide you with a check up on what's been happening: I believe I havent mentioned it in the main post, but as I said before, my left arm (first syringe insert) was a failure and now, 5 days later, blood undercurrent has presented itself. I have a purple bruise there and now it's increasingly more greenish. it looks terrible and my arm is a bit iffy. it feels weakish or hurtish, but not really. perhaps my so called "phantom pain" I described then was just the blood beginning to leak from the vein. I'm worried about it as much as I'm always worried about anything, but I read it heals on its own with time, so I'm letting it be and not trying to lift heavy stuff too much, although that's hard to do with a sister.

another thing I managed to forget mentioning was my strange and intriguing auditory hallucinations during those few nights in which I was all messed up. i once heard "psst!" right by my ear, like someone was actually right beside me. it was so creepy and kewl. and another one was hearing my mom faintly playing the piano in the other room...it didn't make sense, it was the middle of the night. it was creepy and yet so pretty. the few quick notes played vanished into the night, with a long reverb tail accompanying it. it truly felt magical, I must say.

now onto the actual post... I always knew jealousy would find it's way towards me, but I never wanted to believe my life would crumble so much. I feel like an armadillo or turtle hiding in its shell, because its skin got roughed up. I... hate seeing my once-friends' lives turn out so well. I hate seeing normal people getting everything they wanted through the most basic, normal route. there's no special prize for going through extreme hardship to get what others can with ease. at most I get more recognition, bit that's barely convertable, considering all of the pain. "what's the fucking point?" - is a reoccurring theme for me, because truly... wtf is the point? I try so much and get fucking nowhere. I cannot even get my life in order, because for most of my life, I had less control over it than most of my peers who shouldn't even have been allowed to leave the house. and even now, I have friends who have their lives going for them and completely forget about me. dont talk about their lives to me. dont share anything... I beg of them... I listen to them when they're down... O try to be there for them, and it's all falls on deaf ears. I've got noone. no one to lean on. redoubt keeps saying I should open up to them, but they cant handle the intensity of my posts and I, sometimes, can barely find emotions, being with them. I feel so out of touch... so cold. you can clearly tell I have emotions, I mean you've read my writings, right? but then why can't I sometimes find emotions in me? ik we live in different worlds. there's no point. and she always ends up crying when she reads my posts... and anyway she doesnt check them on her own, I tell her. so it just feels like I'm putting her through torture at that point. I'll stop telling her... but then she might stumble upon them on a random day... ugh.

the people around me keep graduating different forms of high school and yet I'm still stuck not finishing it. there. I said it. I got stuck. I dropped out. well, I didn't, I just stopped attending classes. I couldn't handle all of the failure anymore. I was a good sutdent who never had to study and passed and could get good grades with studying, interest and allat. here, I tried showing interest, but goddamn it they were asking for so much fucking interest and ass-licking. it was so fucking ridiculous. I passed English with a fucking 6. my classmates couldn't even get the most basic grammar right, let alone talking about an accent. why aren't we grading based on accents? it's not an ethnicity thing, you can very clearly smoothen out your accent with practice, otherwise, my accentw wouldn't have changed and morphed slowly over time. sure, for some people, it sticks. but for others it doesn't. and anyway, how the fuck can you imagine me passing english with a 6/10 when I can so very clearly form perfectly coherent, and often times, sophisticated sentences just from the top of my head? and not to mention I had mostly good grades in everything my whole life. it was a ridiculous turn and it wasn't even because of a difficulty spike. I wouldn't have any excuses then, but it wasn't a difficulty spike. it was just simply so unfriendly and hostile. it was so aggressive. they expected me to adapt immediately, make no grammatical mistakes in their native tongue at all whatsoever and were grading our normal exams as if they were the final, graduation exams... they were massively punishing me for grammar. even in math, which was ridiculous. why tf do you care whether I said "the apple" or "the apples" kissed the road when it was very clearly using Euler easing to compute motion (I'm making shit up rn, I anyway already feel like I'm sharing way too many details about the circumstances)?!

back on topic: the people around me graduating hurts so much. but even if it didn't, there are so many other aspects in their lives that I constantly get riled up over... I cannot handle it. how could I? I feel as if I've gotten everything stripped from me with constant harassment and guilt-tripping from within the family.

I cannot find the strength in me to continue this post, I want to delete parts of it so much. it's too vulnerable and exposing. I fear people would judge me for oversharing. then again, there's noone reading this at this moment in time and by the time it might become relevant, I can just dismiss it by showcasing how far in time it is and deeming it irrelevant to my current state. obviously, that wouldn't fly with my current principles and I don't want to act like a typical social figure, deflecting anything... but all of this could and probably iwll hurt in some way. people like to be cruel and I've experienced that, yet somehow my naivety still hopes that if--- well no, when I become famous, my community would be wholesome and care... although how much can you care, when you see there are thousands of others in the same position as you? this is mainly my only reason I've ever struggled to develop a parasocial relationship with content creators, however I'm hugely in support of it. parasocial relationships, after all, is still a way to express love and it comes with the exact same risks as normal dating. obsessive and creepy, stalking guys have existed before the internet. it's just makes it more accessible, this way... which I do not condone btw, I fear obsessive stalkers. so off-topic... I highlighted "when" in bold, btw... because if I don't become moderately famous within the next... idk... 5 years... my dreams would've already been crushed. my dreams were deeply time-sensitive. I cannot see myself living in my 40s with a failed dream. if my dreams fail... (and I do not mean to beg for your help in achieving them, or in other words--- I do not ask for your pity) rather poetically, I would be failing myself as well. I cannot live on without my dreams. and I will no longer work on my dreams if I'm past my mental-deadline.

all and all: I am nobody's priority unless I'm useful to them. I have nobody to talk to. I have no system... governmental systems actively work against me and I just want to go home... and I even fear home will reject me too. I feel I have no more place anymore. I cannot fit back in at home properly either, I already know.

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