# DISCLAIMER: PROFRANITIES, SUICIDE AND WHATEVER THE **FUCK** ELSE I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.
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I'm sorry, I'm tired of always having to put this disclaimer, I wish I didn't talk about these things, but I fear I'll have no witnesses at all when I go (in whatever state that may be).
- psst! look at my source... you'll know what I mean, you just have to look deeper ;) -
I'm really grateful for everything that I'm capable of doing. I'm really grateful of everything I
conceptually have. however... this post was
sadly terribly right. all of my pent-up, passive struggles finally turned active. I wish it didn't.
but it did in a combination of everything clashing down on me. it was June 6th. I stayed up late
doing fuck-all, probably another all-nighter or whatever... but I had to wake up early, because my
because of that interview, I didn't get time to eat, which this time I would've loved to, to make up
for my lack of sleep. no matter, we walked around about an hour in the sun and by halfway through
our time together, I was already struggling. I couldn't even eat. all of this eventually lead to me
being hospitalized, because I got a heatstroke!
when I arrived to the nearest clinic, my fever was down to 38.7, but I believe I saw my
heartrate/beat being 140+... I think they even mentioned it being high and attributing it to the
fever. I'm not sure. it's all a bit of a haze now... after that, I left... I was strolling around
aimlessly, as if I was part of the street with nowhere to go. I had
but thank gosh I decided to go at all... they said this couldn't wait. and I had noone at home for
me. I was forgotten about. they went to a party and
when everything settled, the next day I told
this experience shook me quite a bit. I stopped joking around about death the past few days and I was
watching my actions more closely. death felt like it was far closer than I realized. it sucks.
and... as an addition to that.. I realized how miserably I live. my room's a mess. my life's a mess.
I am dying and rotting from the inisde (I mean, mentally... let's hope not physically rottin ;-;).
my upbeat, quirky personality here... it's all worthless and useless if I disappear (stop posting),
because I died for some reason... especially if it's because of neglicence... gosh, I felt so
neglected. and my
last night I woke her up again... it was because I was having visual hallucinations when trying to
sleep and not the normal geometry-repeating-patterns-related one, but hyper-realistic ones... they
were scary, they were super surreal and they would melt much like broken, messed up AI videos. it
scared me. sometimes my eyes would twitch and kinda try to look at my nose WITH MY EYES CLOSED and
it'd cause uncomfort, like they weren't in their place. I had no idea how to describe this to her...
I also felt like I was either sinking or floating in the bed. I knew I was still in the bed, I could
feel the bed... I was sinking against the bed and I would sink further and further, below the bed,
defying gravity despite the resistance that my side was feeling as I sank. when I'd open my eyes,
the feeling would be gone. I honestly didn't mind that one, I actually enjoyed sinking. it was a bit
scary, but it was exciting. I enjoyed it. and I think I was also extremely exhausted, as I was
starting to experience signs of sleep-paralysis. I couldn't move when I decided to go sleep, like
instantly, and then when I woke up, it was like I instantly switched states. two worlds were
separated by one switch, that's the feeling I felt. and I know why sleep-paralysis happens. I know
how it works even though I've never experienced it, but I always imagined it's more passive. it
happens when you're either going to sleep or waking up... not... at your literal command? like I
couldn't move or open my eyes, I'm telling you... but with strong willpower I managed. like I had to
try different almost... it's still hard to grasp how it worked. and the visual hallucinations would
last a bit in real life too... well not proper ones like the ones with my eyes closed, but I saw
shining objects or reflections of things that weren't really there. it was odd and worrisome, but it
all just... stopped when I woke up
looking back at her saying that really broke me, because it pushed my feeling of being overlooked. on top of taht it made me feel like im always either not taken seriously, ridiculed or seen as crazy, unstable or manic... I can handle myself really well... anything related to the hospital, I was the one doing all of the talking and basically pulling the strings, despite my state. if I wasn't stable, coherent or reasonable I wouldn't have been able to do that. but right now I'm in a seriously vulnerable state, that's true. I'm mentally vulnerable and just yesterday was still physically vulnerable too... I ain't alright, and calling me schizo does not help.
I'll never forget this hospital visit... I still have the patches from the EKG. I'll remember this
hospital point as the turning point in my life. since that is when I decided this environment is
definitely harming me. it's so messy. it's so chaotic and there's not enough to redeem it. it's not
worth it... now afterwards,
I'm mostly recovered, although I think I have momentary ataxia. sometimes I'd get a sudden moment of dizziness and lack of spacial-awareness. I'm constantly stressing about not being healthy.
anyway~ I fear I overshared... goodbye friends. for now...
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