# DISCLAIMER: PROFRANITIES, SUICIDE AND WHATEVER THE **FUCK** ELSE I WANT TO TALK ABOUT.
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I'm sorry, I'm tired of always having to put this disclaimer, I wish I didn't talk about these things, but I fear I'll have no witnesses at all when I go (in whatever state that may be).
- psst! look at my source... you'll know what I mean, you just have to look deeper ;) -
I'm really grateful for everything that I'm capable of doing. I'm really grateful of everything I
conceptually have. however... this post was
sadly terribly right. all of my pent-up, passive struggles finally turned active. I wish it didn't.
but it did in a combination of everything clashing down on me. it was June 6th. I stayed up late
doing fuck-all, probably another all-nighter or whatever... but I had to wake up early, because my
quixotic idealist was visiting me again! im... I'm really trying to find a way to talk
about this openly and fully without involving others too much, but if I'm too vague, it'll
statistically sound exaggerated... I can always edit it anyway- our time together was short-lived as
it was interrupted by my system slowly breaking down. we were in the sun too much. I didn't sleep
enough. I didn't get to eat breakfast, because I had to reach my quixotic idealist in
time, for his stupid fucking net-interview that never occurred anyway. wait no... this isn't like
me. I'd normally come up with crpytic identifiers for the people involved. ofc! what you've been
reading probably has already been edited although I don't really like proof-reading my posts too
much, so I can give the most raw version of it. in this particular case, I think it'd be quirkier
and more considerate to only hint at them. these nicks are subject to change. back to topic~
because of that interview, I didn't get time to eat, which this time I would've loved to, to make up
for my lack of sleep. no matter, we walked around about an hour in the sun and by halfway through
our time together, I was already struggling. I couldn't even eat. all of this eventually lead to me
being hospitalized, because I got a heatstroke! quixotic idealist was blaming me for
it. "I should've went to sleep earlier. I knew he was coming". and "I wasn't ok already when I left
the house", no I was. I really was fine. as fine as any other day. occassional loss of balance? yes,
but I've gotten used ot it... it became part of my life. reaching the hospital phase was fucking
hard too. I was left with my fever alone. I kept trying to call people... my redoubt's
father even said I should just stay home at rest... with a fever of 39.4. I wanted to scream, I
wanted to cry... I wanted to feel something for this lack of care, but I couldn't. in this moment, I
really needed to make a decision and act, so I couldn't bring the emotions out. something kept me
from feeling anything other than concern, so I acted. I trusted my diagnosis of the situation.
quixotic idealist did answer and we planned a meet-up to go to a clinic nearby, but he
alone wasn't enough. he had no ties here, so it wasn't much use to get me from A to B. thankfully
playwright, one of the people I was desperately trying to call, finally arrived home
and I asked if the thermometer was somehow stupidly malfunctioning, cuz my fever really wasn't
great, as I mentioned before, and I didn't have any proper symptoms I could pinpoint (I don't get
why, I was dizzy, lightheaded, was bedridden).
when I arrived to the nearest clinic, my fever was down to 38.7, but I believe I saw my
heartrate/beat being 140+... I think they even mentioned it being high and attributing it to the
fever. I'm not sure. it's all a bit of a haze now... after that, I left... I was strolling around
aimlessly, as if I was part of the street with nowhere to go. I had quixotic idealist
beside me, but it was almost inconsequential. and I'm really, really sorry about how I speak of this
entire event, because despite my annoyance, I was trying to overlook these things and forgive the
people in the moment, I just wanted to live honestly. it shook me a bit, this experience. the
experience itself was exciting, but the aftermath of it... seeing it in hindsight it scared me.
anyway... with the help of playwright, I got to the hospital. I got blood samples
taken, IV set up, EKG done and got sent home fine. and I was in recovery phase...
but thank gosh I decided to go at all... they said this couldn't wait. and I had noone at home for
me. I was forgotten about. they went to a party and quixotic idealist was only by
chance still awake and available to come. I wouldn't have gotten the heatstroke if he wasn't here in
the first place. I'm not blaming him, but I wouldn't have gotten a heatstroke on Saturday, June 6 if
I wasn't having plans with him. and yet when I was otw home, to try and recover after our plans have
concluded, he said that I should've thought it through and go sleep earlier, because I knew he was
coming. because now our weekend together was shortened because of this little heat exhaustion (at
this time in the afternoon, we assumed it was that). he also kept insisting that I was already not
feeling okay when I left the house and when I arrived to meet him. well no, I was feeling good. I
cannot have caused a heatstroke at home. now, 3 days since then, he asked me over the phone what it
was that caused this... DESPITE BEING THERE in the hospital with me... despite literally being there
and seeing me, he still assumed it wasn't because we were MAYBE ON THE SUN TOO MUCH!?!?!? or I
DIDN'T GET TO DRINK ENOUGH BECAUSE WE KEPT WALKING AROUND AIMLESSLY?!?!? the doctors were a bit
shocked for having been out so much at such a ridiculous time. because it's the worst time to be
out. and jfyi, I was the only one with a heatstroke there that entire day. I asked.
when everything settled, the next day I told playwright that I could've potentially died
from all of this... and she was saying "oh, come on. stop kidding around" or something along those
lines and when I woke her up the next day at 3AM with a fever of 39, wanting to have her around as I
try to cool myself, she was annoyed at me for taking the 1g paracetamol that I was supposed to take
roughly at that time. furthermore, playwright's manchil- I mean... associate allegedly
gave her usable money, however allegedly, strictly forbade her from buying my prescribed medication
with it... what. the. fuck? you're joking...? she doesn't have a lot of other money tho... if she
wouldn't have had enough... then what? I just stay sick and die? I'm using allegedly, btw, because this was told to me by playwright, who
could potentially be biased, considering she's trying to get him to sign a collective-agreement
where he lets playwright and the 2.0 release of it move back to
the country with the T-less Clean as the party ruling gov. seriously though,
I felt really overlooked and helpless.
this experience shook me quite a bit. I stopped joking around about death the past few days and I was
watching my actions more closely. death felt like it was far closer than I realized. it sucks.
and... as an addition to that.. I realized how miserably I live. my room's a mess. my life's a mess.
I am dying and rotting from the inisde (I mean, mentally... let's hope not physically rottin ;-;).
my upbeat, quirky personality here... it's all worthless and useless if I disappear (stop posting),
because I died for some reason... especially if it's because of neglicence... gosh, I felt so
neglected. and my playwright took more care of me now more than ever, but... there was
still such a disconnect. she wasn't there emotionally. like she was trying to give me emotional
support without actually listening to my emotions. I don't get it... it felt so off.
last night I woke her up again... it was because I was having visual hallucinations when trying to
sleep and not the normal geometry-repeating-patterns-related one, but hyper-realistic ones... they
were scary, they were super surreal and they would melt much like broken, messed up AI videos. it
scared me. sometimes my eyes would twitch and kinda try to look at my nose WITH MY EYES CLOSED and
it'd cause uncomfort, like they weren't in their place. I had no idea how to describe this to her...
I also felt like I was either sinking or floating in the bed. I knew I was still in the bed, I could
feel the bed... I was sinking against the bed and I would sink further and further, below the bed,
defying gravity despite the resistance that my side was feeling as I sank. when I'd open my eyes,
the feeling would be gone. I honestly didn't mind that one, I actually enjoyed sinking. it was a bit
scary, but it was exciting. I enjoyed it. and I think I was also extremely exhausted, as I was
starting to experience signs of sleep-paralysis. I couldn't move when I decided to go sleep, like
instantly, and then when I woke up, it was like I instantly switched states. two worlds were
separated by one switch, that's the feeling I felt. and I know why sleep-paralysis happens. I know
how it works even though I've never experienced it, but I always imagined it's more passive. it
happens when you're either going to sleep or waking up... not... at your literal command? like I
couldn't move or open my eyes, I'm telling you... but with strong willpower I managed. like I had to
try different almost... it's still hard to grasp how it worked. and the visual hallucinations would
last a bit in real life too... well not proper ones like the ones with my eyes closed, but I saw
shining objects or reflections of things that weren't really there. it was odd and worrisome, but it
all just... stopped when I woke up playwright. I stupidly started by explaining that I
was "seeing things" and after some elaboration, she said with the most compassion in her heart as
she cuddled me in bed "I don't know what kind of help to offer you... maybe a psychologist?"... and
she'd ask if I was schizophrenic... despite my extreme paranoia, I have never experienced anything
like this before. and I was certain (and right) that it was only sleep depravation, however I was
terribly worried I could be having a brain seizure during the night, considering I had a heatstroke
recently... so I really really wanted someone by my side.
looking back at her saying that really broke me, because it pushed my feeling of being overlooked. on top of taht it made me feel like im always either not taken seriously, ridiculed or seen as crazy, unstable or manic... I can handle myself really well... anything related to the hospital, I was the one doing all of the talking and basically pulling the strings, despite my state. if I wasn't stable, coherent or reasonable I wouldn't have been able to do that. but right now I'm in a seriously vulnerable state, that's true. I'm mentally vulnerable and just yesterday was still physically vulnerable too... I ain't alright, and calling me schizo does not help.
I'll never forget this hospital visit... I still have the patches from the EKG. I'll remember this
hospital point as the turning point in my life. since that is when I decided this environment is
definitely harming me. it's so messy. it's so chaotic and there's not enough to redeem it. it's not
worth it... now afterwards, playwright was blaming me for the heatstroke. I should've
used sprays, drank water, etc. etc... what about quixotic idealist who was literally
with me and didn't do enough and instead pinned it on me?! and what about her not picking up my
calls when I possibly needed it the most to make a decision or to help me get there... I really
doubted the thermometer was correct. I fear wasting hospital resources so much- I hate being a
burder so much, that I would rather believe the thermometer is wrong... even though it's the old
type, not even electric. and there's no comfort for that. not from anyone.
I'm mostly recovered, although I think I have momentary ataxia. sometimes I'd get a sudden moment of dizziness and lack of spacial-awareness. I'm constantly stressing about not being healthy.
anyway~ I fear I overshared... goodbye friends. for now...
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