# DISCLAIMER: PROFRANITIES

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nobody around me ever gives a fuck. I have given some people large parts of myself. people who should care about me. and all they did was tell me how to play by the rules. I don't want to play by the rules. it doesn't benefit me in any way.

nobody ever played by the rules wiht me, os why should I carE? it's so fucking pathetic that people think it's their right to enforce their will upon others, just because they think they know better and disregard any evidence to the contrary. that's some sociopathic behaviour.

I'm sick and tired of the world. I've been broken and I've been isolated. I don't even want to be like the others anymore. I don't want to be normal anymore, it'd be unfair. it would be unfair to all of my memories and all of my experiences. It would be unfair to those times I couldn't handle myself anymore. to wake up early in the morning, drink a coffee and look out at the sun as if I was just another regular person living a normal life with all of the good and bad opportunities everyone else got? a joke. that's not who I am and I never want to be that. I'm carrying these scars to my grave. and it's not because I want to. I'm trying so hard not to turn more and more bitter. I'm really trying to being naive again. I'm trying to be forgiving and give everyone the benefit of the doubt. but somehow I always end up sucking a fat one doing that. I don't see any merit with upholding the most basic of courtesies. not even in family. especially not in family, I cannot even expect it from strangers, but family... man.

why am I even here then? everybody around me always only cares about something I do or say if it directly benefits them in a way? they might think it's for the greater cause, but goddamn it why is it that they never care enough unless it ends up aiding in their own goals?

i'm going fucking mental. wtf is wrong with the- I can't take it anymore. i can't control anything. I'm completely powerless for all of time. I just goddamn wish I could live my own life. why can't anybody let me fucking go?

people tell me "don't be that guy", why not??? why doesn't anybody ever want to say the problems outloud? why does nobody ever want to take life seriously and change things? why doesn't anybody give enough of a fuck about ANYTHING?!? I get some people won't care about me, I'm getting used to it, contrary to my previous statements [it's been some days since I wrote the other sutff], but what about anyone else? the rest of society? the world is looking wrong. so wrong. so much wickedness and ignorance around us.

did I do something wrong? just fucking tell me what I did to deserve any of this... was I sinning periodically? even if with fluctuation? I don't see it. I don't remember it. so then why? all anybody cares to do "constructively" is degrade me and tell me to "play fair". I'm so tired, it's incredible. there's only one wonder right now that I can be happy for and it's of my own making. he's... amazing. I never thought about it until just 2 days ago, it's really magnificent.

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